SOCIALISM You have two cows. The government takes one of them and gives it to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM You have two cows. The government takes both of them and gives you part of the milk.

FASCISM You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk

NAZISM You have two cows. The government takes both and then shoots you.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a
consultant to analyze why  the cow dropped dead.

Capitalism
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.


Conan the Barbarian: The Musical



Comedy



The following were actual answers to a 6th grade history test:

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Fransis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. This also has a logical ring of truth.

Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.
They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.



Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.


The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.
Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.



Short Guide to Comparative Religions


Taoism  *  Shit happens.
Confucianism  *  Confucius say, "Shit happens".
Calvinism  *  Shit happens because you don`t work hard enough.
Buddhism  *    if shit happens, it really isn`t shit.
Seventh Day  Adventist   *  No shit on Saturdays
Zen  *  What is the sound of shit happening?
Hedonism  *  There`s nothing like a good shit happening.
Hinduism  *  This shit happened before.
Mormon  *  This shit is going to happen again.
Islam  *  If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Moonies  *  Only happy shit really happens.
Stoicism  *  This shit is good for me.
Protestantism  *  Let the shit happen to someone else.
Catholicism  *  Shit happens because you are BAD.
Hare Krishna  *  Shit happens rama rama.
Judaism  *  Why does this shit always happen to US?
Zoroastrianism  *Shit happens half the time.
Christian Science  *  Shit is in your mind.
Atheism  *  Sheeit.
Existentialism  *  What is shit anyway?
Rastafarianism  *  Let`s smoke this shit.
JesuitismIf   *  shit happens and when nobody is watching, is it really shit?
Psychoanalysis  *  Shit happens because of your toilet training.
Scientology  *  Shit happens if you're on our shit list.
Unitarianism  *  Maybe shit happens. Let's have coffee and donuts.
Mysticism  *  What weird shit!
Agnosticism  *  What is this shit?
Nihilism  *  Who needs this shit?
Aztec  *  Cut out this shit!
Quaker  *  Let's not fight over this shit.
Forteanism   *  No shit??
12-Step  *  I am powerless to cut the shit.
Voodoo  *  Hey, that shit looks just like you!
New Age  *  Visualize shit not happening.
Deism  * Shit just happens.
Secular  *   HumanismShit evolves.
Shintoism  *  Shit is everywhere.
Wicca  *  Mix this shit together and make it happen!
Hasidism  *  Shit never happens the same way twice.
Objectivism  *  Our shit is good for you.
Theosophy  *  You don't know half of the shit that happens.
Dianetics  *  Your mother gave you shit before your were born.
Jehovah's Witnesses  *  No shit happens until Armageddon.
Hopi  *  Corn fertilizer happens.
Baha'i *  It's all the same shit.



Jokes

A Jewish mother warns her four year old boy to be careful of the large ocean waves as they walk along the seashore. A wave rushes in and lands on the little boy pulling him out and into deep water. The mother races up to the waters edge and cries "Oh God, help my baby !"  Suddenly a new wave rolls in depositing the boy at the women’s feet.
Wherein she yelled out:  " He Had a Hat!"
*********************************************************************
A man walking pass a house, sees a sign in the front yard.  Adopt a Talking Dog Free!
Curious, he knocks on the front door and a man invites him in to meet the dog.
"So, the Dog Talks?"
"Ya he talks alright, his name is Buddy, go ahead, ask him a question." The man  began,
"What have you been doing with yourself Buddy?", ask the stranger.
"Oh,same old same old, I severed in the military during the war, running messages back and forth from HQ. When I got out of the service I worked with LAPD doing drug sniffing details. I had some pretty nasty encounters with criminals, so I ultimately retired."
"Later  on I worked in different old age homes, ya know helping the elderly get around a little better also
helping the blind with sight seeing work  and then I came to live with this guy."
"It’s amazing, I can’t believe your getting rid of this dog, Why? "
"I’ll tell you Why, said the owner because;
He’s a liar He never did any of those things."
*********************************************************************
IS THAT YOUR DOG?

A timid little man, walked into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy."

"Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."
*******************************************************************************************************************************
A man decides to join a monastery. "You can only speak once every ten years and remember only two words". The head brother tells his novitiate.
Ten years goes by and at the annual parade the head of the order is carried aloft in a liter by the other brothers. As it passes by the novitiate runs up and says to head of the order.
"FOOD BAD!"
The parade passes by silently. Another Ten years goes by same type of parade the novitiate runs up and calls out to the head of the order.
"BED HARD!"
another ten years goes by, the novitiate runs up and yells out:
"I QUIT! "
Suddenly the parade and drums all stop, everyone looks at the head of the order, who looks down at the
Novitiate and says:
"It’s no wonder, you’ve been complaining ever since you got here!"

********************************************************************

A local charity had never received a donation from the Town's banker, so the director called him on the phone.
   "Sir our records show that you make over $500,000 a year, yet you haven't given a penny to charity
"Wouldn't you like to  help the community?"  The banker replied "Did your research  show that my mother is ill, with
extremely expensive medical bills?' "Um, no," mumbled the director.  "Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or
that my sister's husband died, leaving her  broke with four kids?" "I...I...I had no idea." "So," said the banker, "If I don't
give them any money, why would I give any to You?"


How Stuff Works


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21 reasons to stop smoking by George Thomas © MMII

1. You’re broke because today it cost a small fortune to smoke cigarettes.
2. You smell bad when you smoke
3. You ruin your clothes
4. You ruin your teeth
5. You destroy your taste buds
6. You turn your teeth yellow
7. You get bad breath from smoking
8. You burn your clothes
9. You burn your fingers occasionally when pulling the cigarette from your lips
10. You get Heart Disease, Lung Cancer and Emphysema just to mention a few
11. You destroy your arteries, veins and capillaries
12. You become a social outcast.
13. You become short winded
14. You look foolish smoking
15. You become addicted to a weed
16. You spread dangerous second hand smoke around
17. You cause fires if you smoke in bed
18. You ruin your car if you can afford one after all that smoking
19. You age abnormally fast from smoking
20. Your skin gets wrinkled fast from smoking
21. Your habit becomes your character
            QUIT

           Famous Last  Words

 

Alexander the Great,

who had conquered land from Macedonia to Pakistan, died at the age of 33,  weeping:
"There are no more other worlds to conquer!"





Roman Emperor Augustus:
"Did I play my role well? If so, then applause, because the comedy is finished!"


William Somerset Maugham:
British author, died in 1965
"Dying is a very dull and dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it"




James Rodges,
Murderer, on being asked for a final request before a firing squad:
"Why, yes! A bulletproof vest."




Isaac Newton, great Christian Scientist,

"I don't know what I may seem to the world. But as to myself I seem to have been only like a boy playing on the seashore and diverting myself now and then finding a smoother pebble or a prettier shell than the ordinary, whilst the great ocean of truth lay all undiscovered before me.

























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